Early Man– “Beware The Circling Fin” (The End Records 2008)
Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008EDITOR’S NOTE:
I recently received an email from a kid named Theo entitled “job application.” Apparently, he’s based out of a town called Bigfoot, Texas, with like 600 people in it and at the tender age of 19 lives in the garage of his Grandma’s house. You couldn’t write this shit. Apparently there’s no “stoner-metal” scene out there, a source of his constant frustration, but he happened upon my blog via the internet and wanted to submit a review. At first, I will admit I was apprehensive to feature his writing…it’s, well…a bile induced shitstorm from the heart of Don’t Mess With Texas. However, this hilariously scathing review that attempts to rip Early Man like three new assholes is reeking of unshowered adolescent angst. Rife (or should I say ripe) with references to pot, booze, thrash shredding and a total lack of chicks (surprise!), I decided to give this kid a chance and say what the fuck. Sorry Early Man dudes, but this was too funny. Oh, also in his email, he insisted the images below be shown in conjunction with one another. Enjoy. Oh and if you guys think this is funny, drop me a line and I may just “hire” him to whip up some other kerosine soaked Molotov coctails..
-Sasha
Theodore H. Coven Reviews: Early Man, “Beware the Circling Fin.”
Beware the Circling Fin by Early Man is about as a bad as a Kirk Hammet solo record would be if that dude ever worked up the ego to make one. Primitive and familiar solos appear to be the standard on this record while vocally, Early Mike has likewise constructed an equally tasteless monument of thrash clichés and classic metal kitsch. I totally buy that these guys love the shit out of Kreator, but there is something bitterly fraudulent about these 30-something Brooklyn thrashsters lounging around sunny Los Angeles with rock star royalty calling themselves the true revivalists of heavy metal. Are there some decent riffs? Of course. But simply decent riffs are kind of like the dirt weed of metal music. Any chug junky would be stoked to get his fix but it would by no means garner dank status from any discerning shredhead. The performance captured on this record is comparable to that of a karaoke masterpiece. And, in a lot of the same way, you would probably enjoy this offering considerably more if you were blunderingly drunk. For some truly fresh riffs, check out Adam’s other band, Children. For some ass gripping thrash, listen to some real thrash.
